Thursday, February 9, 2012

God wants ME...a weak and feeble woman

In the last couple weeks, and last few days even more, God has been gently guiding me to a new understanding that HE has a time for everything. Now, we all grew up studying the verse:

"There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity 
under heaven:

A time to be born a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance, 
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain,
a time to search and a time to give up
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to be silent and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace." 
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 NIV

Now, I say He has been gently guiding me because for the last week, I've been suited up with my sword, metal armor, helmet and shield--ready to fight the devil to the ground. Why would I feel the need to take up my armor and fight? What could possibly be so wrong that I would want to slay the enemy? And more importantly, I'm now asking myself: What did you really think you were going to do with that sword? But until an hour ago, I didn't care, I just needed to fight. Fight for justice, fight for peace, fight to make a wrong situation right, to put on my shield and take the daggers that my sick and broken friend was enduring and fight Satan back with all I was worth!! 

Let's detour a moment. The person that I can share my deepest and ugliest thoughts with, my happiest laughs with and darkest fears with, the person who has the ability to speak truth in love and hit me to the core, my absolute BEST FRIEND in this world, has been suffering--(see her blog here). I don't mean a scrapped knee that requires a band-aid, not a migraine she can sleep off. NO. She has been suffering excruciating, breath-taking, body-chilling, mind-numbing, pain (even is she pretends she is "ok"--she might beat me for writing this=). Now the doctors were helping her any way they could, increasing pain meds (a defeat in her natural-remedy world), encouraging her to ambulate as much as possible (each step bringing tears to her sullen face). And I'm not a doctor, so what could I possibly do to help? What benefit would there be to her physical health for my presence to be physically in her hospital room. None. Now, my best friend is hurting, and I have TO ADMIT TO MYSELF AND MY GOD...that I a weak and feeble human, do not have the super powers necessary to take away her pain. Increasing my desire for the unattainable even more-so. 

The fourth day of her hospital stay, after many ups and downs, I received a message. Now, up until this moment, she had been the picture child of strong faith in desolate times. She said to me, "I can't do it!". And I cried. But, for the first time, they were not tears of fear or frustration, they were a release of hope. Hope, that God was ready to build her back up, to restore her, to HEAL her, because she was bowing before His thrown saying, "I can't!". I resisted the urge to bolt and poured my heart out to my woman's bible study...we studies this verse:

"Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees.
Make level paths for your feet," so that the lame may not be
disabled, but rather HEALED."
Hebrews 12:12-13

The next morning, I woke with a heavy heart. Feeling the need to shake her and yell Beth Moore's words, "I know that if God knocked me down to my knees, I'm gonna stay down until he builds me up. Otherwise, he will cut my legs off until I am down--so HE can PICK ME UP!"  
She responded in the same way I would have (funny thing about BF's, they are much alike!) "I don't know how." And in my mind I'm thinking, neither do I. Because just as badly as she wanted to control her pain, to FIGHT for her strength, to get better; just as badly I wanted to take up my sword and fight FOR her. To run to my car, to wave to my family, my ministry, my home and my life and make the 7 hour drive to cradle her in my arms, to hold her hand, to stroke her beautiful long hair.  But God said, "let me".
You see, even now, knowing that she will be released from the hospital in a few hours and is doing drastically better than before, I WANT to be there physically. Let me say that again, I WANT to be there. I WANT. I WANT. I WANT. What can I do to heal her? Nothing. What medical powers do I have. None. What healing hands do I posses. Not one. My best friend has been fighting for her life!! And God says, "No daughter, let me". But God!! But Daddy! Ugh [insert teenage foot stomp with hands on hips]...she's MY best friend, she NEEDS ME! I NEED to see that she's ok, I NEED to be there for her, I NEED to make her better! I NEED her!

There are a few more I's and Me's in that paragraph than I care to count. She doesn't need me, I don't need to see her to know she's taken care of by the great physician Himself. God has this under control. HE needs to be her rock, HE needs to see to it that she's ok, and only HE can HEAL her. Hmph--fine Dad, I'll let do it, even though I WANT to do it myself! 

Just this morning on my way into church, I released the grip on my sword and gave it to our Father, the HEALER, the COUNSELOR, the ALMIGHTY ONE while sobbing to this song: 

As I listen, I pray the words for both sides of the pond that divide my cousin and I, ""whatever you're doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but somehow there's peace and though it's HARD TO SURRENDER to WHAT I CAN'T SEE, I'm giving into something heavenly". I will continue to surrender to Him and His timing of when and if I should go or stay. I pray that her surrender will result in a restoration of physical healing, and emotional peace and spiritual fruit. I am so blessed to have her in my life, and basking in this time GOD has given us to share together on Earth. For such a time is this.

I am so blessed and absolutely in love with a Father that will heal my sister in Christ and take the pain from her body. A Father that not only promises to love us and protect us, but does so on HIS own TIME. And SOOO grateful, that HIS time was now. She will be released to go home in a few hours. She is weak, but God is good. He hears our prayers, He WANTS us to cry to Him, to lay our broken and feeble bodies at His feet, to allow His healing hand to touch our face. He WANTS us. He wants us today, tomorrow and forever. Amen?!

P.S. If you are a praying brother or sister, please remember my friend in your prayers---she is so special to me.

1 comment:

Mari said...

I was so happy to hear the report that she is going home. I'm praying for her - and you too!